THURSDAY, JULY 12: I hate the person who took my Madeleine—the same one who has caused all this trouble, who made us feel worthless and mistrustful and mainly who has frightened my beautiful Madeleine. I will never forgive that person/those people for this. Never.
Today I washed the Cuddle Cat (Madeleine’s favourite soft toy and a constant comfort to heartbroken Kate). I was hoping not to have to do it until Madeleine returns, but it was now quite dirty and smelly, unfortunately without the smell of Madeleine on it. XX
SATURDAY, JULY 7: We had breakfast and got the children ready as usual. At 10.30 the four of us went to the Algarve Shopping Centre.
The plan was to buy sandals and some other things for the children. However the journey was a disaster. We had to stop three times on the way there, since Sean and Amelie were crying alternately.
I began to feel that it had been a wasted day, even though Sean and Amelie had some good goes in Noddy’s car and Popeye’s boat. The return journey was slightly more bearable.
I had a “moment” while we were having lunch. I saw a woman who looked pregnant and I began to think about when I was pregnant with Sean and Amelie. And then it hit me. (Kate then remembers a touching scene from the past.) Madeleine was coming to visit us later that evening, the look of wonder on her face, and afterwards she got in beside me in bed. She was and is so adorable—a real jewel, a real gift. And I painfully miss her.
At around 18.00 went to church. It was good… there was nobody else there. Later Gerry turned up and joined me and we went down as far as the rocks on the beach and talked a little about Madeleine. But I began to feel slightly pessimistic and fearful. Please, my God, prove to us that we are not wrong. But I was feeling worse. Please, my God, let this have a happy ending.
I have been thinking a lot about you today, Madeleine. I am so worried and frightened for you. I can only hope that God has you in his hands and brings you back to us soon. Please, my God, help us, help Madeleine.
We love her and we need her so much, and she loves us and needs us. Please, please, please make it so that we have some good news soon. Good night darling. I love you. (I can hardly wait to say “See you tomorrow.”) XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
FRIDAY, JULY 6: (The day a man was arrested in Holland for a cruel hoax intended to extort £1.3million from the McCanns in return for details of the kidnappers and Madeleine’s location.) I wrote my emails and finished our statement for when the story broke about the Dutch man’s extortion near lunchtime.
He’s 39, unemployed, says that he was bored and wanted to play with our emotions. Bastard. David Miliband (the new Foreign Secretary) phoned Gerry to offer support.
THURSDAY, JULY 5: I got up at 7.15. Gerry went for a run.
NOTHING is or will be as good again without Madeleine.
I am thinking about you a lot, dearest Madeleine, and praying a lot so that we find you soon—alive and unharmed.
Stay strong—you know that we all love you very very very much XXXXX.
MONDAY, JULY 2: (The day the McCanns had to move from the Ocean Club apartment to a rented house.)
I started to put everything in the suitcases and then I took S and A to the Kids’ Club around 09.20 and then I came back to pack the cases. We moved everything to the house around 10:30. Although now I think that it is a good thing to move to the house—with a bit more privacy—everything feels wrong and painful without Madeleine. I cannot believe that this has happened. She is so loving and I desperately want her back. Sean and Amelie appeared very excited about the “new house” especially with regard to their room. After lunch on the terrace, Gerry filled the Jacuzzi with cold water and the children enjoyed themselves immensely in their “swimming pool”. I went to look for Chinese food for 4.
Oh dear Madeleine, where are you? Are you nearby? Please keep well and be strong, my little one. We are desperate to find you. We love you very much. You are so special. I long to give you the biggest hug in the WORLD!! I miss you so much. I love you so much my dear Madeleine.
TUESDAY, JUNE 26: I went for a short walk to the shops nearby. I had heard that there was a paedophile there. Nice, isn’t it?
If people informed us about these criminals of course we’d be more cautious and we’d feel safer!
Unfortunately I read two books of messages that had been delivered… There were three horrible ones. One from a former Met Police officer—very insensitive/ cruel and far from constructive! Another said “R.I.P. Maddie”—how appalling!
Well, not surprisingly I was very upset and I went out to the rocks on the beach. I cried a lot and spoke to Madeleine and to God. I was still not ready to go but Gerry was calling me. The police had arrived, as planned, at the apartment. I calmed down and went to the meeting with the police. Everything seems to be so slow. We finished at around 7pm so I went to be with the kids and tell them bedtime stories. I had dinner, had a few drinks despite having said I wanted it without alcohol!! We talked some more.
My darling Madeleine, I feel such fear and dread when I think of you. Every day and every night, it is TOO MUCH. I can only have hope and trust in God and Mary to look after you and bring you back to us soon.
I’m so sorry if I/we let you down. I hope you know how fond of you we are and that we would NEVER do anything intentionally that would put you in danger—of any kind. You are so precious to me. You make me so happy and I miss you so much. Please God, please Mary, keep watch over our sweet Madeleine. Keep her safe and sound and bring her back to us soon! X X
SUNDAY, JUNE 24: Oh, Madeleine, I find the nights so difficult and only God knows how things are going to find you. I just want to say, once again, that you have been the most special and amazing thing that ever happened to me.
I’ve never felt such love for another person. I hope and I trust that God and Mary are protecting you and I only know that Dad and I and all your wonderful family and friends will continue to search for you, and we all long for the day when you will be back with us again— FOREVER! XX
Good night. Good night darling. I love you XXXXXXXX
SATURDAY, JUNE 23: I woke up after 7am hesitating (again!) about going running but eventually I built up enough enthusiasm to convince Gerry that we should go. He ran quite well and without a doubt it was worth us going.
Will we see her again one day? How can this end well now? She’s so precious. God I need you to do something soon. I’m so desperate and suffering so much.
This evening I felt quite low again. It’s the awful uncertainty, helplessness and worry. It’s really unbearable. I only want to be able to hide or hibernate until this is all over and Madeleine is back. Please make sure she’s OK.
The usual—dinner, a few drinks and emails. Good night. Good night my darling, longing to lie down…
FRIDAY, JUNE 22: I miss Madeleine loads and that’s a real understatement. Sometimes I think I must have done something so bad. (Then Kate recalls the IVF treatment she needed to get pregnant) It was so difficult and painful ‘trying’ to have Madeleine and now this!!!
Why??? Bad luck??? A sick joke??? And then I think I don’t want to think about me—I’m an adult, but Madeleine, dear, sweet, vulnerable, beautiful Madeleine… and I just feel like screaming. WHY?
Dear Lord, I continue to ask, continue to hope, continue to try to have faith in You. Please help us. Put an end to this nightmare. Please help Madeleine. PLEASE LORD.
Madeleine, I love you with all my heart. You are part of my being and I will never feel whole without you. I hope and pray for the day, hopefully soon, when we will be reunited and together again FOREVER. I miss you so much. I need you. I love you. XXXXXXXXXXX
THURSDAY, JUNE 21: I went to the church around 9.20pm to pray a bit by myself, in peace. I got a bit annoyed, I don’t understand why God doesn’t answer my prayers. I think I need a sign of some sort. I miss her so much. It is so painful and I don’t feel my life is complete and I won’t ever feel it is complete, if she doesn’t come home. Gerry came down later on to be with me.
Apart from a glass of wine, chocolate and this diary, there’s nothing much else to tell.
I LOVE YOU MADELEINE. GOOD NIGHT GOOD NIGHT X X X.